He’s on a first-name basis with the bottom of the deck.

🌵
There are a lot of nooses in his family tree.

🌳
So crooked that if he swallowed a nail he’d spit up a corkscrew.

🌵
So crooked you can’t tell from his tracks if he’s coming or going.

🌳
He knows more ways to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.

🌵
Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.

🐶
Crooked as the Brazos.

🌵
Slicker than a slop jar.

🌳
More twists than a pretzel factory.

🐟
Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks.

🌳
So crooked he has to unscrew his britches at night.

💃
She’s more slippery than a pocketful of pudding.

🍡
He’s slicker than a boiled onion.

🙊
I wouldn’t trust him any farther than I can throw him.

🏠

She could start a fight in an empty house.

🙉
He’d argue with a wooden Indian.

🙊
She raised hell and stuck a chunk under it.

🌵
He’s the only hell his mama ever raised.

🐓
He’s got his tail up.

🐏
She’s in a horn-tossing mood.

🐡
She’s so contrary she floats up-stream.

🐷
She’s dancing in the hog trough.

🐮
He’ll tell you how the cow ate the cabbage.

🏡

He’s got a big hole in his screen door.

😏
She’s one bubble off plumb.

⚡
She’s one brick shy of a load.

🌵
She’s two sandwiches short of a picnic.

🍜
He’s a few pickles short of a barrel.

💡
There’s a light or two burned out on his string.

👾
He’s missing a few buttons off his shirt.

🏠
The porch light’s on but no one’s home.

⚠
He’s lost his vertical hold.

⏳
He’s overdrawn at the memory bank.

🐦
I hear you clucking, but I can’t find your nest.

🐞
She’s got too many cobwebs in the attic.

💣
Crazy as a bullbat.

🌀

This is hog-killing weather.

❄
There’s only a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and it’s down (after a blizzard).

⛄
Cold as a well-digger’s knee.

🐸
Cold as a frosted frog.

💔
Cold as an ex-wife’s heart.

🚽
Cold as a cast-iron commode.

🏦
Cold as a banker’s heart.

🗻
Cold as hell with the furnace out.

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