Not too long ago, when I was driving on my way to work at Fair Oaks Ranch Golf and Resort, I was pulled over by the local police for driving a bit too fast in a 30 mph zone. For anyone familiar with Fair Oaks Ranch, Texas, it’s something you absolutely know not to do.

I had both my drivers license and proof of insurance ready for the officer by the time he reached my window.

“Sir, I’m so very sorry,” I handed them to him as I bluttered out before he could even say anything.

“Thank you,” he said. “I clocked you at 36 and this is a 30.”

“I know, Sir,” I replied respectfully. “Totally, my bad. I had my radio cranked up listening and singing along to Elvis and I guess I just got into it a bit too much.”

He laughed and handed me back my papers.

“You know, Elvis Presley was my mother’s favorite, so I completely understand. What song was it?”

“A Big Hunk of Love,” I replied.

“Well no wonder, Mr. Dennis,” he motioned me on. “Just remember the speed limit is 30 and next time sing something slower like Love Me Tender or Can’t Help Falling In Love or something like that.”

He grinned, with his lip curled up Elvis style, winked and pointed at me.

“Yes Sir, I will,” I smiled. “Thank you. Thank you very much. You know, my father was a police officer in San Antonio, so maybe our parents are smiling down at us both right now.”

That quick encounter was likely unique for both of us and it reminded me of police and driver banter/quotes I have collected throughout the years. Some of them go back to the 1960s and 1970s from fellow police officers. I hope you enjoy them:

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

“If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

“You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift sergeant, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift sergeant?”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )

“Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

“I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

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