Police, Patrol Officers, Troopers and How Elvis Helped Me Get Out of Getting a Ticket

Not too long ago, when I was driving on my way to work at Fair Oaks Ranch Golf and Resort, I was pulled over by the local police for driving a bit too fast in a 30 mph zone. For anyone familiar with Fair Oaks Ranch, Texas, it’s something you absolutely know not to do.

I had both my drivers license and proof of insurance ready for the officer by the time he reached my window.

“Sir, I’m so very sorry,” I handed them to him as I bluttered out before he could even say anything.

“Thank you,” he said. “I clocked you at 36 and this is a 30.”

“I know, Sir,” I replied respectfully. “Totally, my bad. I had my radio cranked up listening and singing along to Elvis and I guess I just got into it a bit too much.”

He laughed and handed me back my papers.

“You know, Elvis Presley was my mother’s favorite, so I completely understand. What song was it?”

A Big Hunk of Love,” I replied.

“Well no wonder, Mr. Dennis,” he motioned me on. “Just remember the speed limit is 30 and next time sing something slower like Love Me Tender or Can’t Help Falling In Love or something like that.”

He grinned, with his lip curled up Elvis style, winked and pointed at me.

“Yes Sir, I will,” I smiled. “Thank you. Thank you very much. You know, my father was a police officer in San Antonio, so maybe our parents are smiling down at us both right now.”

My father, Walter Dennis, San Antonio, 1960.

That quick encounter was likely unique for both of us and it reminded me of police and driver banter/quotes I have collected throughout the years. Some of them go back to the 1960s and 1970s from fellow police officers. I hope you enjoy them:

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

“If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

“You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift sergeant, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift sergeant?”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )

“Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

“I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

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Raised in San Antonio, Jack Dennis’ early experiences were as a newspaper reporter and private investigator. With a Texas State University bachelor’s degree, Jack studied journalism, education and psychology. He was the founding vice-president of Sigma Delta Chi, the Association of Professional Journalists at the University. Jack has received numerous awards, including Investigative Reporter of the Year from Rocky Mountain Press Association, David Ashworth Community Award, and Leadership in Management.
Some of the people and groups Jack has interviewed include:
Music
Elvis Presley, Merle Haggard, George Jones, Willie Nelson, B.B. King, George Strait, Roy Orbison, Justin Timberlake, Steven Tyler, Freddie Mercury, Kenny Rogers, Kenny Loggins, Jackson Browne, Steve Wariner, Tanya Tucker, Scotty Moore, Fats Domino, Patty Page, Tommy Roe, Emmy Lou Harris, Johnny Rivers, Charly McClain, Kinky Friedman, John McFee, Guy Allison & Patrick Simmons (Doobie Brothers) , Randy Bachman (BTO), Jim Messina, Todd Rundgren, Alvin Lee, Gary Puckett, The Ventures, Freddy Cannon, Augie Meyer, Christopher Cross, Whiskey Myers, Sha Na Na (John “Bowzer” Baumann), Flash Cadillac, Jerry Scheff, John Wilkinson, Darrell McCall, and more.
Politicians & News
George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Lady Bird Johnson, Greg Abbott, Rudolph Giuliani, Larry King, Jack Anderson, Tom Bradley, Connie Mack, and more.
Actors
Clint Eastwood, Mike Myers, Taylor Lautner, Cameron Diaz, Jerry Lewis, Eddie Murphy, Antonio Banderas, Julie Andrews, Selena Gomez, Tippi Hedren, James Earl Jones, James Woods, Jim Nabors, Martha Raye, Rosalind Russell, June Lockhart, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Howie Mandel, Meg Ryan, Cheri Oteri, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, James Drury, Melanie Griffith, Nathan Lane, Alan Thicke, Lou Diamond Phillips, Clint Howard, Tony Sirico, Cesar Romero, Michael Berryman, Tracy Scoggins, William Windom, Warren Stevens and more.
Space Explorers
Buzz Aldrin, Alan Bean, Wally Schirra, Dave Scott, Gene Cernan, Walt Cunningham, Scott Carpenter, Gene Kranz (NASA Flight Director), Ed Mitchell, Richard Gordon, Bruce McCandless, Vanentina Treshkova (first woman in space, Russia), Alex Leonov (first man to walk in space, Russian), Al Worden, Dee O’Hara (nurse to astronauts) and more.
Sports: Joe Torre, Roger Staubach, Bob Hayes, Billie Jean King, Manuela Maleeva, Drew Pearson, Bob Lilly, Tim Duncan, David Robinson, George Gervin, Tony Parker, Shannon Miller, Cathy Rigby, Bruce Bowen, Wade Boggs, Fernando Valenzuela, Bernie Kosar, Dale Murphy, Jim Abbott, Dick Bartell, Mike Schmidt, Dan Pastorini and more.
Notables
May Pang, Bob Eubanks, Vernon Presley, Vester Presley, Charlie Hodge, Joe Esposito, Rick Stanley (Elvis’ step-brother, Harold Lloyd (Elvis’ first cousin), Doyle Brunson, Kara Peller, Hank Meijer, Norman Brinkler, Stanley Marcus, Jerry King, Mac King, Nathan Burton, Zach Anner, Louie Anderson, Owen Benjamin, Steve Byrne and more.

As head of Facilities for a major retailer (H-E-B Food/Drugs) for 20 years, Jack co-founded Professional Retail Store Maintenance Association (PRSM) and was elected President to establish PRSM magazine. Jack is a writer, speaker, golf-concierge and happiness coach. He has researched and studied happiness for over 40 years.
Jack was a prolific writer for Examiner.com, with over 1,900 articles written in six years. His articles and stories have appeared in AXS Entertainment, The ROWDY Country Music, Memphis Flash, and numerous magazines.

He is author of “Miracles of Justice,” a true courtroom drama novel about social injustice and miracles.

3 Comments Leave a comment

  1. My funny cop story… I got pulled over for speeding. The officer asked to see my license and registration. I opened up my center console to get my wallet, and in the console were two pairs of brass knuckles, which apparently are not legal to carry in a vehicle where I live??? I didn’t know. My husband put them there. Anyway, the officer said, “Are those brass knuckles?” Me: “Yes, sir.” The officer: “Did you know it’s illegal to have those in your vehicle?” Me: “No, I didn’t know that.” The officer: “You didn’t know, huh?” Me: “No, sir… if I had known, I would have hidden them from you.” The guy had to stifle a giggle… sort of like when your kid says something cute, but they’re supposed to be in trouble… but it’s just too darn funny. I wasn’t trying to make a joke. I was just being honest. Anyway, he confiscated the knuckles, but he let go without a ticket or anything. I was happy to hand them over in exchange for no other consequences.

    Liked by 3 people

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